Just be a cow

Today's tale is actually about my little breakdown last night. There was eye leakage and everything!
But you know it comes with warnings - it's a God post. I love Him - just can't help it.
And there are some feels - but what's a breakdown without some angst, huh?
The cows I speak of are American cows - not an Aussie cow (a name we typically give to a female who is displaying 'witchy' behaviour. I am very good at being that sort of cow!!)

This whole experience with radiation has been a lot worse than I thought it would be, for reasons I was not expecting. You can research the side-effects and get ready for the physical aspect, but nobody seems to want to disclose the emotional side. I'm here to rectify this situation! I know you knew there was some useful information missing from your life!

Last night I just started to realize just how useless I am feeling. I feel OK - just like I used to before treatment actually. So mentally I am ready to just go back to doing all of the things that I was beforehand too. But I can't.

It's really hard to be this incapacitated without any outward signs of illness. When I was having treatment, there was that horrid nausea that just let me know that things weren't right. No need to worry about overdoing it - there was just no way. But now.... now I look fine, and I feel fine, but I'm not fine.

Bring on the emotions of uselessness. I was just feeling a big blob hogging everyone else's oxygen. Good for nothing.

Now onto the cow story.... Admit it - you're just a wee bit excited!

mmmmmmmm

Between 1 and 2 years ago - let's go for the middle ground and call it 18 months, ok?

So, about 18 months ago I was driving down a road and there were some cows in the paddock (field) next to me. And God said to me....

{quick explanation of that - when I say "God said to me" - it's not some crazy audible voice. More like a thought that comes into your head that you hear in your own voice, like "I need a cup of tea", or "I need to go to the loo" or "Chocolate - NOW!". SO let go of those thought that I'm one of THOSE crazies, k? I'm a whole other sort of crazy!!!}

...so God says to me, "Hey! See those cows? I like 'em. They don't do too much, just eat and poop, maybe add to the green house effect  You need to be more like those cows."{more explanations...these cows are there as a tax write off for the land owners - so they really are there for just the sake of being cows - not to eat, or for milk, or for shoes... just to be cows. See? American cows - it's a good life for them.}

Really - that's how it went. So - like you I was confused. And a little amused - God has a great sense of humour! He knows what I think being a cow means!!

So I of course said, "Huh?" And watched a cow grab some grass. I like cows - I've heard that when they sleep you can tip them over. Sometimes I wish I was a country girl!

So God says, "Those cows are being cows, and they're happy being cows. They don't want to be anything more than a cow. They don't worry about anything either. They are just very content being a cow. That's what I made them for. To be cows - and they do it well".

Still not really getting it. But I'm digging this conversation anyway.

"You need to be more like a cow. I made you Megan, and I like you. Just the way you are. You don't need to do anything, or try to be something other than just Megan. Even if you just eat and poop, I will love you - because I made you to be who and what you are, and that's all you need to be.

"Just be more like a cow."

Last night I had forgotten how to be a cow.

Now if only I could poop.....

Hug,

Megan