Oh the disappointment!

If you've been a faithful reader (and you are, aren't you?) you will remember that one of my goals this year was to run the Colfax half marathon. It goes through the zoo people - the zoo!

apparently the only other US marathon that goes through the zoo is in Baltimore

It's on May 18th - 7 weeks, 4 days and 12 hours at the time of writing - or 53 days.

I should be well into my training by now - and instead I am slowly walking for 20 minutes. I can't imagine that I will have the energy, or stamina, to make it 13 miles in 53 days.

That's a dream killer. And I'm sad - really sad.

I think it is true - there's an ecard for everything

Whoever thought that I would be so sad that I can't run. It still amuses me, so I can't imagine how tickled you must be! It's still a mystery to me that I even began to run. 

On my daily walks now, I can feel my legs trying to take off. I cannot wait until I am well enough to run again. I think that will be the true test for me of being recovered.

I am missing running more than I ever thought that I would, and I think that my mood is suffering from it too. But being able to get out and walk everyday, especially when it is nice and sunny like it was today, is helping my mood incredibly.

sad truth right now

And today's little excursion was a trip to King Soopers (supermarket) all by myself. Like a grownup. I know your day isn't complete until you have all the deets on my boring life!!

Love till tomorrow,

Hugs

Megan

The boring post

I guess you are just going to have to come to terms with it - my life is in no way exciting enough to fill a blog post every day. So expect some rather rambly, interesting subjects that have nothing to do with anything.
This may be one of those posts! Consider that your warning!!

Except of course - that I am the most boring person on Earth

So the most exciting thing that has happened today was my 20 minute walk. Yep - a whole 20 minutes! And I walked about half mile - so even a 'normal' walk, not a fast one, would have normally taken me at most 10. I feel like a snail. Snail.Cow. Whatever...!

I get one sort of outing a day. That's about as much as my body can handle. Monday's I get to have coffee with A babe. So she comes and gets me and we go hang out at the Princess's Starbucks. Nothing better than coffee and friends!

When are we getting together?

Then a walk in the afternoon after my nap! I feel a little bit like a toddler at the minute. (A baby cow?) I can't do too much or it wears me out. Woe is me.

So that's about all for today -told you, boring as heck.

Till tomorrow sweeties

Hugs

Megan

Just be a cow

Today's tale is actually about my little breakdown last night. There was eye leakage and everything!
But you know it comes with warnings - it's a God post. I love Him - just can't help it.
And there are some feels - but what's a breakdown without some angst, huh?
The cows I speak of are American cows - not an Aussie cow (a name we typically give to a female who is displaying 'witchy' behaviour. I am very good at being that sort of cow!!)

This whole experience with radiation has been a lot worse than I thought it would be, for reasons I was not expecting. You can research the side-effects and get ready for the physical aspect, but nobody seems to want to disclose the emotional side. I'm here to rectify this situation! I know you knew there was some useful information missing from your life!

Last night I just started to realize just how useless I am feeling. I feel OK - just like I used to before treatment actually. So mentally I am ready to just go back to doing all of the things that I was beforehand too. But I can't.

It's really hard to be this incapacitated without any outward signs of illness. When I was having treatment, there was that horrid nausea that just let me know that things weren't right. No need to worry about overdoing it - there was just no way. But now.... now I look fine, and I feel fine, but I'm not fine.

Bring on the emotions of uselessness. I was just feeling a big blob hogging everyone else's oxygen. Good for nothing.

Now onto the cow story.... Admit it - you're just a wee bit excited!

mmmmmmmm

Between 1 and 2 years ago - let's go for the middle ground and call it 18 months, ok?

So, about 18 months ago I was driving down a road and there were some cows in the paddock (field) next to me. And God said to me....

{quick explanation of that - when I say "God said to me" - it's not some crazy audible voice. More like a thought that comes into your head that you hear in your own voice, like "I need a cup of tea", or "I need to go to the loo" or "Chocolate - NOW!". SO let go of those thought that I'm one of THOSE crazies, k? I'm a whole other sort of crazy!!!}

...so God says to me, "Hey! See those cows? I like 'em. They don't do too much, just eat and poop, maybe add to the green house effect  You need to be more like those cows."{more explanations...these cows are there as a tax write off for the land owners - so they really are there for just the sake of being cows - not to eat, or for milk, or for shoes... just to be cows. See? American cows - it's a good life for them.}

Really - that's how it went. So - like you I was confused. And a little amused - God has a great sense of humour! He knows what I think being a cow means!!

So I of course said, "Huh?" And watched a cow grab some grass. I like cows - I've heard that when they sleep you can tip them over. Sometimes I wish I was a country girl!

So God says, "Those cows are being cows, and they're happy being cows. They don't want to be anything more than a cow. They don't worry about anything either. They are just very content being a cow. That's what I made them for. To be cows - and they do it well".

Still not really getting it. But I'm digging this conversation anyway.

"You need to be more like a cow. I made you Megan, and I like you. Just the way you are. You don't need to do anything, or try to be something other than just Megan. Even if you just eat and poop, I will love you - because I made you to be who and what you are, and that's all you need to be.

"Just be more like a cow."

Last night I had forgotten how to be a cow.

Now if only I could poop.....

Hug,

Megan

FAQs

I know you've got 'em, let me try to answer them! These really are the questions that I get asked the most - but if I haven't answered your particular intrigue, just ask me in the comments below. Promise I'll look - Facebook I'm not as good at getting to, but I'll try, OK?

How are you feeling? Really?
And the real answer is - I feel fine! Boring but true! If it weren't for the extreme fatigue, I would be back to how I was before the treatment. The pain has shifted, but is manageable, and I am frustrated by not being able to do anything, but really I am fine.
Within myself, emotionally, I am also good. I get bored easily, and I am sometimes worried that my brain has suffered somehow from the frying, but that may be from not doing anything. It's all a crazy circle.

Did it hurt (the radiation)?
NO. That's the short answer. The longer one is that the last three treatments hurt a bit when the rays went over where had started to burn. But they don't stay in one place for too long, so it wasn't that bad, although I would not have wanted it to go on any longer!

It's a 1

Do you think it worked?
Hmmmm - now that's a tricky one. Right now if I run my hand over the Fred area, it feels a lot bigger and tighter. The Dr said that I could expect some swelling, so I am sure that is what I am feeling. And of course I cannot feel the whole of the tumour, so it may have shrunk at the ends.
SO no real answer for that right now - but I am relatively optimistic and spend 'nap time' imagining my white blood cells as a pac-man operation eating away dead Fred cells. Fun, huh? Feel free to play along.

When will you know if it worked?
Ahhh - the million dollar question! Again not an easy one to answer though. I'll have an MRI the first week in April which is just a little pre-lim look see. We were told that if it looks good then, then it did a great job. But if it looks bad, then we'll just ignore it. Right.
The explanation for this? That we are expecting to see some swelling and damage from the radiation, so we ignore a 'worse' scan. But if it shows some improvement then it must be a big improvement to get past the fry damage. Make sense? No? It's OK, 'cos I get to have another MRI in July that will be far more reliable (because all of the SE from the radiation will have gone - they better have!!)
However - the radiation doc did suggest that we could see results from the radiation for up to 5 years because of how slow it grows. I think you can guess how well I took to that little piece of news!

So is that it? No more treatment?
That's it for radiation. You get one shot at one spot - so Fred has had all the frying that he's going to get.
The radiation oncologist does not suggest any further treatment. That would be some sort of drug therapy/chemo-ish treatment. I am leaning towards this to be honest, but I am waiting until the July scan before we make that decision. I'm not a patient person, friends, so this is hard for me. I wanted the radiation to just shrivel Fred up to a crisp - but we also know that I have a bit of magical wishing going on in this regard!

is killing Fred considered evil?

I think I'll do a post on patience, or the lack of it, but I am telling you that there is nothing in me that thinks 5 years is an acceptable time to wait. I'm sure you're feeling me, right?

What can I/we do to help?

Awww - thanks! But we are doing fine now. My BSF babes made us meals the whole way through, and after, treatment, and now we are getting through the stash of meals I had frozen before. SO that is taken care of.

Piet is also the world's best housekeeper (save for maybe his Mum!!) and he just does everything around the house. I am NOT ALLOWED to do anything. Truly. Sometimes I can get dinner ready, but that's about it. I'ma actually starting to feel a little bit useless.

I know, I know

When will you be back to full health?

I so wish I knew. The doc suggested about 6 weeks, but I am having a hard time believing that could be possible. I was so optimistic - but it was that magical thinking again. I am trying to be good and sensible (!!!!) with my recovery, but it is so hard.

SO that's it folks. Seriously - if I didn't answer something, just ask me.

And just because I need a laugh...

but I know you know that!

Till tomorrow loves

Hugs,

Megan

Side effects.... and a drive.

I promised you yesterday that I would update you on my side effects (SE), but of course there will be some gruesomeness involved. So for those of you who are a little squeamish, let's do the drive first so you can leave after that.
Aren't you curious? It was the first time I'd been behind the wheel for 9 weeks.
Did I kill someone?
Hit something - or someone?
Have an accident?
Cause an accident?
Take a look see...

so good so far - getting out of the driveway

proof that it wasn't an optical illusion!

The Princess came along with me to make sure I was OK - and she looked petrified! I really am not sure what she was expecting - I can't imagine that she was thinking I was a bad driver. Hmmmm.

So we drove down the road and around the corner all the way to Safeway. Just three blocks. It wasn't painful exactly, but it also wasn't comfortable. We got there and home fine.

I think that the feeling was that I am fine to drive just around here, but anything further really needs to be done by someone else for a while longer.

Consider yourself warned!

Now we move on to the SE. SO consider yourself warned! It won't be too difficult for you - but again, if you are a little sensitive, please spare yourself now!

Firstly - I think I've already mentioned this, but it needs to be remembered, the nausea is gone. Yay! I cannot tell you how amazing those cups of coffee are in the morning!

The fatigue seems to have set in for the long haul ( you can read yesterday's post for a bit more on that). I was being for too optimistic about that leaving soon.

Digestive issues (turn away now - it's not too late!) - still a big problem. Constipation is just no fun at all - and we all know that I think things that aren't fun just shouldn't be allowed! We at first thought that it was because of the meds that I was taking, but I've weaned myself off of the heavy (fun!) pain meds, so that doesn't seem to be it. I think that the radiation got some of my bowel and so now it just doesn't work. I will never, ever again take for granted a daily poo!!!!!!!

I know you're thankful too!!

There is still a lot of skin peelage - hah, I just made up a word. Impressed? Unmentionable places continue to shed skin - layer upon layer. I think Sara Lee may have had radiation!! I also was being optimistic in this area - I thought that once it peeled, it would heal and that would be that. Not so much. How many layers will it take (there may be a very off-colour joke about the centre of a Tootsie roll there - but think it up and laugh all by yourself - I've helped all I can!)  'Unmentionable' places are also still very tender. Loo breaks can be a wee bit painful if I'm not paying attention.(see what I did there? *wink/smirk)

The pain comes and goes. During my absence, the front of my Fred leg (right) became very burnt and just incredibly painful. I couldn't even touch it. I got some amazing numbing cream from the hospital that helped, but I don't need it now, thank goodness. It's now just feeling a little bruised, so as long as I am careful not to hit it onto anything it's really not noticeable. But what is noticeable is the pain on the inside of my leg. It's really hard to describe, but it's almost like the outer skin and fat(and we know there's plenty of that!) are numb and the inside muscle is all bruised and battered. Fried more like it - but it feels more bruised. Fred also feels bigger and angrier - I guess we all would be a little ticked if we were radiated, hey?

So that's it for the SE. Kinda still the same, but just a bit better (besides the BMs)

And now just the cutest picture of how my honey brought me my yogurt this week - I know you are so very jealous!

How adorable is this?

Till tomorrow sweeties,
Hugs
Megan

Yep - still breathing!

I know, I know - I've been a very bad blogger and you are all witness to my momentous fail at posting every day this month. But I trust that after reading my sad, sorry tale of woe, there will be forgiveness!
Nah - it's not that bad, but it did get a LOT worse. Worse than I ever thought it would.
And what, you ask, was so bad? Well... in a word - ME.
I pushed the boundaries of the recuperation plan, and walked around the block a whopping three times - and it set my healing back about a month, guessing conservatively. Really. To prove it, let's do a little Megan math - this may hurt your brain a bit, but you'll get over it!

and you thought you were bad at maths?

So when I finished my treatments, I felt like I had about 20% of my normal energy level. You couldn't really tell from looking at me, but after a ten minute chat that left me needing a nap, you kinda guessed it.

That first week after treatment, when we began my recuperation plan, I felt like I had about 30% of my energy. Now that's a 50% improvement - right? I felt like I had so much energy then, that I did a typically stupid Megan thing and overdid it! That night after my little blockies, it was as if all energy had left me. I think I was snoozing by 7! The next day I felt like I had about 7% energy. That's low friends, really low. That's 'I can barely make it to the loo by myself' low.

I didn't leave the house until that Sunday for church and by then I was back up to about 15%. Simple things are exhausting.

Then, I got a cold. Just a simple little snotty nose, bit of a cough cold. You know - the sort that you can just 'soldier on with Codral' cold.(singing it now, aren't you?!)  No big deal. Except that it put me in bed for seven days. Yes, you read that right. In. Bed. For. Seven. Days. Miserable - energy back down to about 7%. Monday was the first day that I got back up, and had some coffee with friends, but that wiped me out. 

Today I feel that I may have about 17% - not even back up to what I was when I finished treatment, and that's been 3 weeks now. I know - that just flew by.

So that catches you up with me, and my brilliant maths skills. Tomorrow I'll catch you up with side-effect news and I'll try not to be such a fail at posting.

But I knew after you read through all of that you would forgive me - you do, dontcha?!

please???

Till tomorrow loves,

Hugs

Megan

New things, and odd things

Firstly the new....... I am getting blisters now on the front of my right thigh (Fred leg), and soon I assume the burns will come. Not looking forward to that at all! Not the funnest new thing to have happened this week, but there you have it. It's part of the 'getting worse before getting better' - and so we still have a little over a week of the radiation creating more havoc to my body. But I am in no way missing those daily trips downtown!

And now the odd...

Can you spot the difference? Yep - you guessed right and won the prize. One is smaller than the other. I used smaller knitting needles on one sock and didn't even notice! Where, oh where, is my brain these days!

Those of you who know me know that meticulous attention to detail is not really my thing. At all. But this is bad even for me! Fortunately, I had enough yarn to knit another sock that matched. Will now has a lovely pair of camo bed socks, lovingly knitted by his devoted and... yeah I know - I'm even making myself sick!!!

How sad when I'm the idiot making myself sick!!

On the recuperation front, I again did my little two block walk this afternoon, after coffee and some shopping with a friend. I didn't manage a nap this afternoon, but I did rest for the prescribed hour. Quiet time for Megan!! (I soooo feel like a toddler being punished by being sent to bed!)

BUT - my nausea has gone. Praise Jesus! It is so nice to drink a coffee in the morning and not feel ill from it. This morning was day 2 of morning coffee again, and you know that is making me a happier girl.

Mmmm-hmmmm

So happy Monday everyone - may you enjoy a lovely cup of coffee in the morning!

Hugs

Megan

You get to be part of this month's goal

And that is writing on the blog every day - aren't you just so excited?

That means a month worth of ecards - I'll try to make sure that they're PG!

Today was a good day. Piet and I have negotiated a 'recuperation plan" so that I don't take on too much. It sounds like it's such a tiny, little bit of activity (how will I reach my Activelink goal?) but it should make both of us happy.

What's on this plan you ask? you did ask right?

Only up and down the stairs 4 times (this has become an issue after my little fall a week or so ago - but it's a bummer because it means I have to be super organised!) If you're counting, that's once down in the morning, once up in the afternoon for my 'nap' and that leaves just 2 more times through the day. If you've met me, you know that being organised just isn't part of my DNA.

Yep - I think that's true!

Also on the plan is a 'rest time'! I feel like a toddler! (OK - no comments on that last item, k?) The last few days I haven't been able to sleep in the afternoon, and my body is noticing the lack of rest. Today however, I managed a 2 hour sleep. Ahh - I feel very rested now.

But the most exciting part of the negotiations was the 'walk'. I'm going to start out very slow - just twice around our block today. We need to see how my body does with the exercise and then I can work up as I can. You know where I am going with this - I see myself running within the month!!! I cannot believe that I am going to say this - but I miss running. Pick yourself up off the floor Aussies - it's not a joke.

Yep - that's about right now!

So that's about it for the recuperation plan. I'll let you know how it goes...

Until next time

Hugs

Megan

The one about getting worse before getting better

And it's a bugger. I really thought that I would recover for two weeks, not continue to get worse. And believe me, it's worse.
I am peeling in places that ought not be peeling, mmkay - 'nuff said!
The burning is still getting worse. DO NOT believe anyone who says this is 'a bit like a sunburn' (Yes - as a matter of fact, I an looking at you Dr M!) Think ore along the lines of an oven burn after it has healed a bit and gone to that brown, scaley, itchy, extremely sore and irritated burn. Now you get the picture. Now for me - picture this all around sensitive areas. I'll wait while you cross your legs and wince.......

that's a pretty good depiction.... no photos from me though!!!!!!!!!

I am very thankful though that I didn't start that burning until right at the end of my treatment. The really burning showed up just before my third last treatment - so those last three were pretty painful. When the beam ran over the burnt area was the only time that I felt like I was burning - so very thankful it was only for the last three.
Also thankful that I don't have to walk to the cars and into the hospital in my 'geisha' walk, or better yet, my Sumo walk. I think I'm turning Japanese!

I dare you not to sing it!

Anyway... the whole object of the Japanese walking is to not have any parts rubbing - that is the most painful thing ever! Well - I'm sure there are other things worse, but that is pretty bad. It's like a sever case of chaffing after you've been at the beach and forgot to rinse off the salt and then went for a long run. Yep - it's that painful!

The nausea is settling down a bit, good news because I only have tablets for today and tomorrow! I think that I forgot to mention that we switched my nausea meds to Compazine because of the constipation issue ( I warned you that I wan't going to sugar coat this process!!!) and doing that settled things immensely. Whether it worked better for me, or solving the digestive issues helped - not to know, but I really don't care, it worked!

But this morning I am in trouble with the hubster! I just want to be better peeps. SO yesterday I did a couple loads of washing - and the punishment was a severe tongue lashing! And the threat to ground me!!!!! I kid you not - apparently he is taking serious the idea of recuperation. I however, am not enjoying laying around the house doing nothing as much as I thought I would. (I see that scoff - but it's true!)

It's a hard life...

I just want to be able to get back to normal. And that means taking on some of the housework again. But this is not to be...... it's time to start all of those books on the Kindle app and actually read them!

Think I just found my new diet regime!!!

Until next time

Hugs

Megan