Just be a cow

Today's tale is actually about my little breakdown last night. There was eye leakage and everything!
But you know it comes with warnings - it's a God post. I love Him - just can't help it.
And there are some feels - but what's a breakdown without some angst, huh?
The cows I speak of are American cows - not an Aussie cow (a name we typically give to a female who is displaying 'witchy' behaviour. I am very good at being that sort of cow!!)

This whole experience with radiation has been a lot worse than I thought it would be, for reasons I was not expecting. You can research the side-effects and get ready for the physical aspect, but nobody seems to want to disclose the emotional side. I'm here to rectify this situation! I know you knew there was some useful information missing from your life!

Last night I just started to realize just how useless I am feeling. I feel OK - just like I used to before treatment actually. So mentally I am ready to just go back to doing all of the things that I was beforehand too. But I can't.

It's really hard to be this incapacitated without any outward signs of illness. When I was having treatment, there was that horrid nausea that just let me know that things weren't right. No need to worry about overdoing it - there was just no way. But now.... now I look fine, and I feel fine, but I'm not fine.

Bring on the emotions of uselessness. I was just feeling a big blob hogging everyone else's oxygen. Good for nothing.

Now onto the cow story.... Admit it - you're just a wee bit excited!

mmmmmmmm

Between 1 and 2 years ago - let's go for the middle ground and call it 18 months, ok?

So, about 18 months ago I was driving down a road and there were some cows in the paddock (field) next to me. And God said to me....

{quick explanation of that - when I say "God said to me" - it's not some crazy audible voice. More like a thought that comes into your head that you hear in your own voice, like "I need a cup of tea", or "I need to go to the loo" or "Chocolate - NOW!". SO let go of those thought that I'm one of THOSE crazies, k? I'm a whole other sort of crazy!!!}

...so God says to me, "Hey! See those cows? I like 'em. They don't do too much, just eat and poop, maybe add to the green house effect  You need to be more like those cows."{more explanations...these cows are there as a tax write off for the land owners - so they really are there for just the sake of being cows - not to eat, or for milk, or for shoes... just to be cows. See? American cows - it's a good life for them.}

Really - that's how it went. So - like you I was confused. And a little amused - God has a great sense of humour! He knows what I think being a cow means!!

So I of course said, "Huh?" And watched a cow grab some grass. I like cows - I've heard that when they sleep you can tip them over. Sometimes I wish I was a country girl!

So God says, "Those cows are being cows, and they're happy being cows. They don't want to be anything more than a cow. They don't worry about anything either. They are just very content being a cow. That's what I made them for. To be cows - and they do it well".

Still not really getting it. But I'm digging this conversation anyway.

"You need to be more like a cow. I made you Megan, and I like you. Just the way you are. You don't need to do anything, or try to be something other than just Megan. Even if you just eat and poop, I will love you - because I made you to be who and what you are, and that's all you need to be.

"Just be more like a cow."

Last night I had forgotten how to be a cow.

Now if only I could poop.....

Hug,

Megan

So there's special - then there's ME!

I got a call yesterday from the oncology department yesterday.
Apparently as they were beginning to 'write' my program to the machine, they began to worry that I wouldn't fit in it. Because Fred is so large, they need to hit it from many different angles, and they are not so sure that it will all fit in the one program.
So I get to go and have a pre, pre-trial!
See? SO special!
It's actually beginning to get a bit comical. I'm almost to the point where I am just waiting to see what the next mess will be.

Don't get me wrong. When Piet came home yesterday I was in a bit of a mess. I need for him not to be nice to me or to hug me, because then the tears come. I am so good at imagining the very worst that may happen. The very worst that I could imagine yesterday was that I would need to have two sets of radiation - 66 treatments instead of 33. 13 weeks instead of 6.5
This morning though, things are looking a bit better. I got my sense of humour back, and also my faith that no matter what, God knows what needs to happen.

At my BSF meeting this morning, I was so totally taken aback by comments from two of the babes there. (BSF babes are the best - if you ever get a chance to go into leadership take it - there is nowhere else you will meet babes like these!) One of them talked about the joy that I still have as we go through this, and another really gave me a perspective that I'd never considered.
N just mentioned that it was obvious of my faith in God, and I just responded that I didn't really have a choice but to. And to be honest here - I really had not thought that there was another option. But she told me that I had chosen that instead of crawling up into a ball in bed and lying there. Huh. Had never even imagined that that was a choice.

(Hmmm - and now that I think about it, maybe I'll take that as an option next week!!!!!)

So that was a very encouraging morning. Thanks God!
And then, my baby girl brought on the tears again by telling me that there are people at her work praying for me. One of them, a 'daily' customer. How sweet is that? (I knew drinking Starbucks was a good thing!)
I am just amazed at the way that people have come alongside us as a family. It's a lovely thing to see God's people working on His behalf. I am totally humbled. (insert tears here)
So - now you are up to date, and you got more ecards than you ever needed in one post!!!
Hugs
Megan

I like Mondays too

Welcome to 2014.

Here's what we saw last night Downtown with Willie and John. Good job Denver - I was pretty impressed.


I've been waiting for this day for quite a while. Goodbye to the year of horrors - I'm ready for a new start.
I've always loved a new beginning...
- a new pencil
- especially a new journal
- a new month
- a new week (hello Monday!)
- a new morning
- even a new pack of chips is better than a day old opened one!

So of course, the start of a new year is like the Grand Daddy of all new beginning. (do not let me start about how exciting it was for the start of a new millennium!!!!)
I love the possibilities that all this newness offers. I set goals - NOT resolutions (and that's really because they don't usually change from one year to the next) and I've got a brand new set of 365 days to get them all done! Don't bother asking why it needs to be a new year to start on some of these, it's just easier to get my head in the game.

one of them is to turn the calendar every day!

And of course. as we know!, things don't always end up the way that we imagine that they will. There is just no way that this time last year as I was dreaming about all of the possibilities that the year offered that I thought it would end with me getting ready to have radiation treatment.
But even after the year of suckish proportions that we've just endured, I still look forward to this year as one that will be one of the best ever.
Regardless of what happens, regardless of how the year ends, I've just decided that this will be a better year.
Radiation is only 33 days out of this 365 - that leaves me 332 to make it a year to remember.
I know that you are dying to know what sort of goals I've set (just pretend you care, k?!) so here they are:
- finish my first half marathon (Colfax in May)

the half runs through the zoo - how much fun is that?

- to Kill Fred Dead - duh!

this is what I imagine Fred looks like - I'm sure it's nothing at all like this, but I need a visual!

- to get into my healthy weight range via Weight Watchers

love this program. I go Friday mornings - meet me there?

- to finish level 347 on Candy Crush (I always give myself something that's really silly easy!!)

it's been about two and a half months now... I'll get it eventually!!

- to read through the Bible (I used to do this every year, but have done different reading plans for a few years now. But I miss it - some of the people in there feel like old friends and family to me!

I use a Bible reading plan that NIV had in the Student Bible - some OT, NT and a Psalm or Proverb every day.

- to get some real definition in my arms - hello shake weight!

yep - that's what I aim for.. got the crazy down already!!!!!

I've got some other more personal ones also, they may or may not show up here... oh the suspense may kill you!!!
So there you have it - a new year. Love it

Hugs
Megan

So Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving Sweeties!

(For my USA friends, hope you had a fantastic day with your family and friends. For my Aussie friends and family - we should totally make a day to do this. Just an amazing day to eat, maybe drink, yourself silly and just think on the way that you are blessed. There's not a thing to complain about... well, let's not talk about Walmart, k?!)

I love a good list - but let's face it - this isn't going to be anything like one of those!

My gorgeous family tops the list. And the hubster really IS my favorite (I know you're not supposed to have faves, but I'm breaking all the rules these days!) He just rocks and has done more than anyone could ever ask while we have been dealing with Fred.

Coffee gets on the list too - if you've talked to me before caffeine in the morn, you'll know why it needs to go on here! If you haven't had that dubious honor - that should go on your list!!!!(so of course the new beast goes on here too - it just makes getting the coffee to my face so much easier!)

The happiness corner, right in my own kitchen!

God. (those of you Aussies rolling your eyes now - STOP IT!!!) I just couldn't have been able to get through this year without Him. Hmm - let's review that to seriously not being able to do life without Him.

Love the color orange too.  So - that makes this year's list!

The best of everything fun right here!

I dare you to tell me that doesn't make you smile.

And the random pick for this year's list? E-cards! A friend gave me a daily calendar last year (thanks Martie!) and it gives me a giggle just about every day.

If you're easily offended,  probably not for you.

So, what are you thankful for?

Till next time,
Hugs
Megan