February video is up!

Another video for you!

This one is only 4 minutes - so just the bare bones of what happened over the past month.

hugs
Megan

I made another YouTube video for you all!

I think it might be laziness - but you all seemed to appreciate 'seeing' me last time, that I decided to do it again!

This one catches you up on last week's visits to the oncologist and surgeon.Not giving anything away here - so you'l have to watch and see what's going on!

If you can't see the video below, give a click here and it will take you straight there!

So thanks for checking in, I'll 'see' you later!

Hugs,
Megan

SURPRISE!!!!

Hiya! Here's an update for you, I did something special for you this time, and made a You Tube video! 

But be warned - it's LONG! 20 minutes LONG. So get a cuppa ready! But you'll get an update from me in a semi personal way, along with all of the ums and ahs, and staring off into the distance. I'm not too sure that I covered all that I wanted to, so maybe another one is needed (with some editing training!)

Sorry that this has taken so very long - but it's a new year and I will try to be better in keeping you in the loop as to what is going on...Let's get together a bit more this year, OK?

If you make it through the video, and you want me to do some more, give it a thumbs up and subscribe and that will let me know that you liked it. Leave me some feedback on any questions you have, or anything really.

If you can't see me below (or if you are on an iPad apparently) you might need to click here.

Happy Hugs

Megan

I just don'e even know what to say....

But first off, you know the drill. Ignore my unexplained absence and forgive me.
Probably the best way to deal with my inconsistency is to know that I am apt to fall into times of 'funkness' and I just withdraw.(Not to be confused with Funky Town - coolest place of the 80's!)  If I can't make you laugh, I don't want to be 'seen'!

Come on - you know you want to go too!

Now onto the serious side of Fred. And the reason for the title. We went to see the Dr (radiation oncologist) on Wednesday. I had the first of the follow up MRIs last week and we went to get the good news that the radiation worked and Fred was dead - NOT.

For a meeting with not a whole lot of information, and a LOT of me huffing (you might not have noticed that that minor tremble Wednesday lunch time was caused by my extreme vent of desperate frustration ).

The scan showed nothing. Well - really that nothing has changed. I was kinda expecting that. There's still too much pain and lack of motion for it to have been totally gone. But our hope was high for some good news.

That's what it felt like!!!!

There was talk of needing to wait until a year to see any real results. WHAT? You don't have to try hard to imagine how I dealt with that, do you? More huffing and a bit of eye rolling may have happened at this point.

We chatted a bit about whether any drug therapy would help (not yet - maybe after 3 or 5 years. MmmmHmmm - happiness ensued here too!)

We did some clarification on the scans though  - there is no distinction between live and dead Fred. So just because it is the same size doesn't necessarily mean that he hasn't died. Hey - we are clinging to anything right now peeps.

Words were also spoken of just having Fred stable as being a good outcome. Really? I think not.

Then - our world was shaken...

..a bit like this.

We made a joke about just lopping off the leg and getting a 'fake' one. Amputation jokes are always appropriate with your Doc, no?

The answer apparently is no.

No to the joke being funny.

No to it being appropriate.

And NO to it being possible.

All of this time we had really been thinking that if everything goes pear shaped, the worse that will happen is a prosthetic.

Umm - no. The amputation that Fred would require would take so much of my leg - well, all of it really, that there would not be anything left to place a prosthetic to.

So, needless to say that my mind has been in a whirl since then. As attached as I am to my leg, I had come to terms with the thought of a prosthetic. Not really something we were looking forward to, but as worst case scenario, a livable option.

So to say that there just isn't enough chocolate in the world to help me through this is not an exaggeration!

My thoughts are all over the place. I can't get a handle on what all of this means. Does it mean that how I am now is as good as it gets?

Many conflicting and confusing feels right now. I'll let you know when I get some sort of clarity, deal?

Like. Just like!

Until the next time I reappear,

Hugs

Megan

Oh the disappointment!

If you've been a faithful reader (and you are, aren't you?) you will remember that one of my goals this year was to run the Colfax half marathon. It goes through the zoo people - the zoo!

apparently the only other US marathon that goes through the zoo is in Baltimore

It's on May 18th - 7 weeks, 4 days and 12 hours at the time of writing - or 53 days.

I should be well into my training by now - and instead I am slowly walking for 20 minutes. I can't imagine that I will have the energy, or stamina, to make it 13 miles in 53 days.

That's a dream killer. And I'm sad - really sad.

I think it is true - there's an ecard for everything

Whoever thought that I would be so sad that I can't run. It still amuses me, so I can't imagine how tickled you must be! It's still a mystery to me that I even began to run. 

On my daily walks now, I can feel my legs trying to take off. I cannot wait until I am well enough to run again. I think that will be the true test for me of being recovered.

I am missing running more than I ever thought that I would, and I think that my mood is suffering from it too. But being able to get out and walk everyday, especially when it is nice and sunny like it was today, is helping my mood incredibly.

sad truth right now

And today's little excursion was a trip to King Soopers (supermarket) all by myself. Like a grownup. I know your day isn't complete until you have all the deets on my boring life!!

Love till tomorrow,

Hugs

Megan

The boring post

I guess you are just going to have to come to terms with it - my life is in no way exciting enough to fill a blog post every day. So expect some rather rambly, interesting subjects that have nothing to do with anything.
This may be one of those posts! Consider that your warning!!

Except of course - that I am the most boring person on Earth

So the most exciting thing that has happened today was my 20 minute walk. Yep - a whole 20 minutes! And I walked about half mile - so even a 'normal' walk, not a fast one, would have normally taken me at most 10. I feel like a snail. Snail.Cow. Whatever...!

I get one sort of outing a day. That's about as much as my body can handle. Monday's I get to have coffee with A babe. So she comes and gets me and we go hang out at the Princess's Starbucks. Nothing better than coffee and friends!

When are we getting together?

Then a walk in the afternoon after my nap! I feel a little bit like a toddler at the minute. (A baby cow?) I can't do too much or it wears me out. Woe is me.

So that's about all for today -told you, boring as heck.

Till tomorrow sweeties

Hugs

Megan

Just be a cow

Today's tale is actually about my little breakdown last night. There was eye leakage and everything!
But you know it comes with warnings - it's a God post. I love Him - just can't help it.
And there are some feels - but what's a breakdown without some angst, huh?
The cows I speak of are American cows - not an Aussie cow (a name we typically give to a female who is displaying 'witchy' behaviour. I am very good at being that sort of cow!!)

This whole experience with radiation has been a lot worse than I thought it would be, for reasons I was not expecting. You can research the side-effects and get ready for the physical aspect, but nobody seems to want to disclose the emotional side. I'm here to rectify this situation! I know you knew there was some useful information missing from your life!

Last night I just started to realize just how useless I am feeling. I feel OK - just like I used to before treatment actually. So mentally I am ready to just go back to doing all of the things that I was beforehand too. But I can't.

It's really hard to be this incapacitated without any outward signs of illness. When I was having treatment, there was that horrid nausea that just let me know that things weren't right. No need to worry about overdoing it - there was just no way. But now.... now I look fine, and I feel fine, but I'm not fine.

Bring on the emotions of uselessness. I was just feeling a big blob hogging everyone else's oxygen. Good for nothing.

Now onto the cow story.... Admit it - you're just a wee bit excited!

mmmmmmmm

Between 1 and 2 years ago - let's go for the middle ground and call it 18 months, ok?

So, about 18 months ago I was driving down a road and there were some cows in the paddock (field) next to me. And God said to me....

{quick explanation of that - when I say "God said to me" - it's not some crazy audible voice. More like a thought that comes into your head that you hear in your own voice, like "I need a cup of tea", or "I need to go to the loo" or "Chocolate - NOW!". SO let go of those thought that I'm one of THOSE crazies, k? I'm a whole other sort of crazy!!!}

...so God says to me, "Hey! See those cows? I like 'em. They don't do too much, just eat and poop, maybe add to the green house effect  You need to be more like those cows."{more explanations...these cows are there as a tax write off for the land owners - so they really are there for just the sake of being cows - not to eat, or for milk, or for shoes... just to be cows. See? American cows - it's a good life for them.}

Really - that's how it went. So - like you I was confused. And a little amused - God has a great sense of humour! He knows what I think being a cow means!!

So I of course said, "Huh?" And watched a cow grab some grass. I like cows - I've heard that when they sleep you can tip them over. Sometimes I wish I was a country girl!

So God says, "Those cows are being cows, and they're happy being cows. They don't want to be anything more than a cow. They don't worry about anything either. They are just very content being a cow. That's what I made them for. To be cows - and they do it well".

Still not really getting it. But I'm digging this conversation anyway.

"You need to be more like a cow. I made you Megan, and I like you. Just the way you are. You don't need to do anything, or try to be something other than just Megan. Even if you just eat and poop, I will love you - because I made you to be who and what you are, and that's all you need to be.

"Just be more like a cow."

Last night I had forgotten how to be a cow.

Now if only I could poop.....

Hug,

Megan